Breakup 101:
a self-care that's not so self-centered

Over the summer, I tried to problem-solve my way out of a heartbreak. The morning after we called it quits, I typed “Breakup 101” into the internet ecosystem on my ten minute walk from my studio apartment to work on Park Avenue and hoped the answer would stop the tears. 

 

There were some options for podcasts that described how the physiological impacts of breakup were similar to an addict going through withdrawals. Social media was filled with the happiest couples I’d ever seen promising that “it gets better.” Dating columns told me to block him and never contact him again.

 

The overwhelming answer to all of my woes was that I needed to practice “self-care.” It was a magical word that popped up across my feeds which consisted of journaling, going on “hot girl walks,” sleeping seven hours, eating healthy, and taking bubble baths. I also needed to do all of these things alone.  

I wasn’t being encouraged to reach out to others during a time where I felt incredibly lonely. Instead, while my mental health was on the decline, I was puzzled that the answer for caring for myself needed to be entirely self-centered. 

 

The self-care industry has become so focused on how to enjoy spending time by yourself, it fails to account for the truth that being engaged in a community and doing things for others is a human need. 

 

After my breakup, every paragraph I read, video I watched, and advice I listened to told me I should cancel any plans beyond the ones I had with myself. I was meant to play out every cliche I’d seen in Sex in the City. I should cuddle up alone, listen to Olivia Rodrigo’s album on repeat, and cry into my pillow. I was convinced that the face mask that I bought from the CVS down the street would bring me more comfort than any friend. TikTok showed me that self-care required a lot of purchasing of skincare products.

 

Luckily I was guilted into going to dinner with my family who was in town. I dragged my feet into Brooklyn, but upon arrival was immediately relieved that I wasn’t alone. My brothers joked that they expected me to show up with the typical response to a bad breakup: blue hair and bangs. I laughed for the first time in days.

 

My uncle asked me to remind him of my age. When I responded “21,” he said, “Oh, you have so many more of these to go before you get this,” and motioned to his wife. I expected to be destroyed by that statement. His statement guaranteed I would end up enduring more gut-wrenching breakups, but the comment shifted everything into a new perspective. Talking to family made me pull the problem away from myself in that direct moment and understand it in a greater context of my life. For a moment, someone else held the burden of my pain on their shoulders. 

 

In my Psychology 101 class, I learned that humans are prosocial. We have developed behaviors that aim to help others towards reaching their goals. It is a uniquely human attribute. We tend to be kind and empathetic towards people who aren’t even related to us. Studies have shown that having great relationships are consistently the best predictor for happiness. A meta-analysis even revealed that the benefits of social support are more important for longevity than abstaining from smoking or drinking, getting enough exercise, and being at a healthy weight. 

 

We are even wired to be around people and understand others. A widely accepted outline of our human motivations, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, theorizes that once our basic physiological necessities and feeling of security are met, the next level of motivation is “love and belonging.” Only when we start to feel a sense of connection can we move forwards to the “self-esteem” level.

 

The self-care revolution is built on mantras like “happiness comes from within” and “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” but this form of coping ignores our innate nature to crave intimacy with others. It ignores that you can only feel confident about yourself once you’ve felt like you belong. It ignores that cultivating relationships makes us happier and helps us live longer. 

 

While there are powerful studies that link meditation and journaling to happiness, these practices should not be the cornerstones of self-care. Feeling a part of something larger than ourselves should be its emphasis. 

 

I believe in personal investment. In fact, I cried out most of my feelings to a licensed therapist after my breakup. But when I spent time with others that is when I was reminded of how the hole in my heart could be filled with love from so many different avenues. It was overwhelming to see how my friends checked in constantly or even got on flights so I could understand I was a part of something so much larger than a college relationship.

 

When I Google “How to practice self care” the first result from the National Institute of Mental Health lists recommendations for caring for your mental health. The very last suggestion is to “Stay connected.”

 

It needs to be the first.