Long distance relationships

Yesterday while at breakfast my dad said to my brothers and I, “Rapid fire! Ask me any question you have. You never know. People die in their sleep!”

I pushed aside the anxious thought of “Is he dying and just isn’t telling us?” and asked instead, “How were you able to make and maintain such strong friendships after college?”

I’ve always admired my dad’s friendships. He is consistently placed at the head table next to parents of the bride or groom. He was yesterday. He was at a wedding earlier this summer to a couple I had never even heard of. When he travels, he is constantly sending me selfies of him with friends from all walks of life. Last Wednesday, he had dinner in Los Angeles with my friend from college Gaurav. A few weekends ago, he was in Atlanta with his high school friend group at a Clemson football game.

My dad stealing my friends

As a recent college graduate (am I still able to say recent?) living at home, I am trying to find the best way to stay in touch with my friends.

I struggled with this when my family moved from my hometown. I’d occasionally get updates from social media or the group chat, but, to be candid, I mostly was lazy about keeping up with my long distance friendships. I famously missed a text where one of my friends came out. In response to this message, there was tremendous support from other friends but I was nowhere to be found in the slew of heart-warming texts. I blame iMessage and my international number I had at the time.

I assumed that we’d catch up when I saw them. Then one year turned into two turned into three.

I do think that the best kinds of friendships are the ones that pick up right where they left off, but that doesn’t mean you can check out of a relationship and cross your fingers you’ll see them soon.

This summer, I spent a weekend with four of my best friends from high school. In a lot of ways, it felt like we were teenagers again. We went to the same restaurants, took the same walks, and unpacked the same high school drama.

But it was also clear we had all grown up. Complete relationships had started and ended since the last time we had seen each other. There had been roommate falling outs and career changes.

I realized I had been absent as a friend and definitely hadn’t offered support in the times when I should’ve. It was naive of me to think that a quarterly text message in a group chat was enough to maintain a meaningful friendship.

Still, I haven’t found the most effective way to connect with my long distance friends. Sending a “What’s up?” or “I miss you” gets responses like “Nothing much” or “Everything’s good” or “Work is busy.” I’m trying to find a better way to spark a meaningful conversation, because these kinds of back and forths are tiring and, to be honest, boring.

But if I schedule a call with a friend I often find it doesn’t happen. The “I will call you tomorrow” turns to “Sorry, I got wrapped up today. Any chance we can catch up sometime later this week?”

My dad has a different strategy. He tries to find articles that might interest the person he wants to reach out to. That way, he has a conversation starter that he already knows will pique his friend’s curiosity. If you’ve ever met my dad and he’s somehow acquired your email, you know he will send you spam emails at 4 in the morning.

The snow report, a webinar, a famous quote about hard work, or, his favorite, a schedule arrive in my inbox daily. I used to think these emails were annoying and overbearing. I’d respond, “STOP SENDING ME THESE” or “I’m not coming back to Jackson this winter. I don’t need the snow report every day.” I’d try to give him an email that was used when I wanted to sign up for free trials of streaming services and special discounts for Zara sales, but he’d always find his way back into my main inbox.

I now recognize that each email is a reminder that he’s thinking of me. At 4 a.m. with his scorching hot coffee, he noticed that my favorite singer is going to be on tour and sent me their schedule. In the email he mentions how he wishes he saw Frank Sinatra more in his prime and I take a mental note to ask him about that concert. Writing this makes me feel guilty about how many of those emails sit in my inbox unopened.

As my dad describes this process, I realize my friends and I do the same thing but with TikToks and memes. Anything Taylor Swift related? Straight to Hannah. A chicken caesar wrap review? Sent to Nicole, Kate, Taylor, Jonah, and Darien. A Team Conrad edit from The Summer I Turned Pretty? Going right to Cami.

While I despise scheduled calls, I love when I’m texting someone and instead of continuing with the rapid typing, they decide to give me a call. My friend Blair is an expert at this. Although, it is frustrating if you miss her call and try to call her back because her phone is on permanent Do Not Disturb.

I’ve started to mimic her method. These kinds of calls and FaceTimes end up being the best catch ups. I find my friends walking to a date or while they’re making dinner. I catch them while they’re out living their lives and I get animated reports of how their days are going.

The other piece of advice from my dad is to send gifts to people when they least expect it. They don’t have to be large or expensive. They don’t even have to be incredibly heartwarming or special. Silly will do. He says that sending a present means that they have to take a moment to read your name, unwrap something, and then follow up with you with the confirmation that they’ve received it. It’s another way to spark a touch base with a long distance friend.

I assume that my dad learned this practice from his step-dad who famously sent almond roca to his “people” every Christmas. You knew it was finally time to turn on Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” when the red tin with sweets covered in golden foil arrived on our doorstep.

My dad’s amazon account has hundreds of addresses. His recent orders feature books shipped to friends and family nationwide. Each personalized with a note. If you’ve ever had a major surgery, my dad will send you a box of Graeter’s ice cream. If you’re celebrating a job offer or engagement, a bottle of champagne will arrive from “The Kraemers.” Let’s be real. It’s only from Steve.

When I was in college, my dad would rotate between sending me lifetime supplies of Zyrtec, Vitamin D, toothpaste, and Magnesium. I’d get so frustrated over the amount of plastic packaging that I’d accumulate for things that could be picked up from the drugstore down the street. My roommates would often laugh at what assorted goods would arrive that week. It was, in his strange way, how he showed he cared.

In trying to follow his lesson, I’ve been sending housewarming gifts as my friends move into their new apartments. My current obsession is finding kitchen prints. I selfishly like the idea of someone being reminded of me while they pour their coffee or use their air fryer. My hope is that there are some days where they look at it and think to give me a call.

My friend Kate and I are starting a book exchange this month where we send each other the books we read and recommend. She’s always reading and it’s a goal of mine to read before every bed every night instead of falling asleep watching TikTok. I’m sending my first picks to her this week and currently brainstorming what I should send as my version of almond roca for the holidays.

The last piece of advice my dad had was to have an annual get together. As important as the emails, phone calls, and gifts are, there’s nothing like being all together. My dad has many of these with different groups now, but the oldest tradition is that his high school friends go to one major college football game a year. It doesn’t even have to be a school that any of them go to and as the years passed it’s expanded beyond their high school circle. Some years only 20% of the group could come, but the average is 60%. I’d say that’s a pretty fantastic retention rate for a group of successful men in their sixties each with their own families. To them it’s not a question of whether the reunion will happen, it’s a question of what game they’ll go to this year.

I hope to create a reunion like this. My college buddies are brainstorming possibilities. Maybe a reunion in Boston for the 250th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party (complete with wigs and colonial garb) or a visit to Duke for a basketball game in the spring. I hope we do both.

The greatest lesson I learned during this conversation with my dad is that consistency is key. Friendship is a muscle you have to work out constantly. It’s a privilege to be in someone’s life. Keeping in touch takes effort, but I’m grateful. I’m grateful to walk around my life and find things that remind me to reach out to you all. I’m grateful I have so many people from different moments of my life that I still want to have a relationship with, no matter how difficult.

All the best, Claire

Weekly R.E.P.O.R.T. (I saw this on TikTok originally)

Reading Yellowface by R.F. Kuang

Eating lots of Tacos during my visit to Santa Barbara

Playing by spending my Saturday morning surfing with Coleman

Obsessing over this photo of the bride and groom from this weekend

Treating myself (possibly) to Taylor Swift tickets in Europe