That's so embarrassing

Claire Kraemer
Sep 17, 2023
4 min read

Last night, I arrived at an Oktoberfest party to find everyone seated, eating, and wearing jeans. I was wearing a dirndl I bought in Munich during my study abroad. I justified the $174 purchase because, as one does, I’d find innumerable instances to wear the dress.

There was Oktoberfest in Munich in 2021, Oktoberfest in Durham, North Carolina at Bull McCabes, Piketoberfest in a random field outside of Durham, and now this party that I would attend with my mom and her two friends in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

It turned out that I, along with our two guests, were the only people dressed in traditional garb. Well, that’s not true. The Polka band who came all the way from Park City, Utah was also dressed up.

I matched the Polka band.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Absolutely mortified. Completely embarrassed. I turned to my mom and pleaded, “Let’s just ditch and go to the Mangy Moose.” The bar 10 minutes away would’ve probably enjoyed our outfits more than this crowd. She responded by shoving me inside.

Our festive group beelined our way towards the bar. We walked outside to find games of beer pong and hammerschlagen set up and no one playing. It was clear that other party-goers had no interest in interacting with the misfits in the corner.

Later on while I was in line for a pretzel with beer cheese, a balding man gave me a once over and said, “So…how does it feel to wear something like that.” I was dumbstruck and made me lean into my choice even more. “It feels amazing. Thank you so much for asking.”

My bold costume choice eventually led to me being crowned as “Mrs. Oktoberfest.” I picked which German wine I wanted as my prize and resisted the urge to shove it in the balding man’s face.

I walked away with a funny story to tell my friends and a realization.

“Embarrassment,” defined as a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness, keeps me away from so many moments that might otherwise be fruitful. I resist the feeling because I’m afraid of the consequences I make in my head. I resist making a mistake and therefore resist any sort of growth.

I was recently reciting a story from college where I recounted a drunken night that involved a boy I shouldn’t have been talking to that ended in a rejection. The scene that had played out was similar to that scene in “He’s Just Not That Into You” when Gigi thinks she’s co-hosting the party with Alex and stays way too long cleaning up. If you get it, you get it. Spoiler alert, I didn't turn out to be his "exception."

It was a bit gut wrenching at the time, but months out I was able to look at the moment with kinder eyes and learn from it.

At the end of the story, one of the people listening said, “God, I would’ve been so embarrassed. How were you not embarrassed?”

I mulled over the question and responded, “I mean, what is there really to be embarrassed about?” The worst that happened was that a guy I kind of liked probably thinks I’m awkward. No one was physically or emotionally hurt. In this situation, embarrassment was a choice and I chose not to feel that way about the interaction.

Unfortunately, I don’t always follow my own sage advice or have that much confidence. My hesitation to be bold and put myself out there in way too many instances is due to my internal dialogue asking, “Well, isn’t that embarrassing?”

You want to text a guy a risky message. What if he doesn’t respond? That’s so embarrassing.

You want to wear a bold outfit. What if I look back at the night and think I look ridiculous? That’d be really embarrassing.

I want to start a blog because I like writing. What if people think you’re a really bad writer and make fun of you behind your back. God, I can’t imagine something more embarrassing.

As I write this, I’m reminded that all of these “worst case scenarios” have already happened. I’ve been rejected, I’ve made really questionable fashion choices that are now, lovingly, torn apart. *cough cough my red lip era of February 2023* *cough cough my nightgown I claimed could pass as a chic cover up* There are people reading this that probably don’t like what I’m writing or are hoping I’ll arrive at a point very soon.

All the things I worry about being embarrassing have already played out and I’m grateful for all of them.

I ended up being just fine. Actually, I ended up being better for them.

I pushed myself into the learning zone instead of staying in the comfort zone. The comfort zone never brought me many fond memories to look back on.

I think I saw this diagram at a leadership seminar once

When embarrassment boils up, I need to remind myself of all the great things that have happened once I shoved past the feeling and was committed to putting myself out there.

Sometimes guys respond to a risky message and then you date and fall in love. Sometimes you wear a black eyeliner and you get a crazy amount of compliments until it becomes a staple in your makeup routine. Sometimes you start a blog and get really great feedback and kind messages to the point where it encourages you to keep writing.

Sometimes you wear a dirndl to a party where no one is dressed up and you get a 2016 bottle of Riesling. Sometimes you realize that that bald man’s opinion of you means nothing and there’s absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

I guess my thesis is to stop resisting embarrassment. Best case scenario, you come out with a great story. Worst case, you learn a valuable lesson.

And if anyone knows of a place I can wear my dirndl next, I'd really appreciate it.

Best,

Claire

Things of the week:

Songs on repeat:

greedy: https://open.spotify.com/track/2dHH3pG8xx0YOZDKyDD9eG?si=1a7f6052911949e8

The Luckiest: https://open.spotify.com/track/1fujSajijBpJlr5mRGKHJN?si=8f0b9cfe66fa436c

Intimidated: https://open.spotify.com/track/0dFdGPVLs3k0z9ezYWZzUa?si=d0bdde62c6eb4f7f

Things I listened to:

Strike Force Five: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4VSmJ166FI4unQWuxlHeoN?si=9d2f1a64f70e4b59

Things I read: